PROBATION x.x

LIFE is hard. No one said it was going to be easy

TECHNICALLY.. today is actually Day 2 for me as probationary.. xD

Well, I'm glad that I was chosen for the department I applied for, which is counselling department. My hands were shaking and trembling as they announced which department will we belong to. When they mentioned my name, I felt my heart skipped a beat -.- too excited and nervous. Plus, that day directly, I went for duty during recess. It was fun, but having to catch others who are not following the school rules is the biggest challenge.

Walking around your OWN classes .. it's a little bit.. weird. Especially friends you know will try to make all sort of offensive acts in front of you to make you look bad ( RAWR ) -.- Today I patrolled at canteen. AND, according to my department leaders, the canteen duty is said to be the most HECTIC and the BEST place to take down names. Oh whoope, lucky me -.- I get to follow my senior along with Micheal to take care the back section of the canteen. ( which is also known as the DANGER ZONE by the leaders ). GOSH, these people are like.. EVERYWHERE. And eventhough I myself go in and out of canteen constantly, I never noticed from the probationary side of view.. these people are like. .. IN and OUT all the time. And it's soo difficult to catch people with ankle socks, name tags.. you know how they can just HIDE and WALK away real fast? -.-

Afraid? YES. VERY. :'( WHY?

Afraid of facing THAT sort of people. yeah, you know what I mean right? xD THAT sort of people. They're EVERYWHERE -.- and.. to be honest, eventho you can consider I myself as one of their TYPE.. but come on, let's get real shall we? you can easily differentiate me from the others pretty darn well. Even during Choral Speaking Competition, all the other school's first glance on us was like " OMG! ALL CHINESE! " doesn't that make me one too? *teehee!* Oh well, I'm still afraid to approach them, and still can't find the inner confidence to face them, tell them what to do, and how to earn their respect.

WOW.. this whole post made it sound like its a report itself. :) xD

oh well.. lucky thing I'm not going on duty tomorrow recess. :) I'm free till tuesday -.- I still don't get it though, why is that our department duty 3 times a week while the rest only has 2? hmm.. this is a Mystery yet to be discovered.

" THIS command I am giving to you is not too difficult for you to understand, and it is not beyond your reach "

Love and Hugs :)

Beyond the glistering sun light,

I sat down beside you.

Gazing upon the glorious view,

you hold me tight,

never letting me go.

Every step I take,

Every step I embrace,

you were there to ensure that I don't fall.

Thou I may have slipped a few steps,

your arms are wide open,

ready to catch me as I fall.

Holding your hands,

made me felt like we were one.

A beautiful bond created between us,

nothing else can pull us apart.

Everytime I look in those eyes,

I see someone more than I love,

but someone I truly cared.

I want you to hold me tight,

and never let me go.

L is for the way you looked at me,

O is for the only one you see,

V is very, very extraordinary..

E is even more than anyone can adore.

Love is all that I can give to you,

Love is more than just a game for two.

Two in love can make it,

Take my heart,

but please don't break it.

Love,

was meant for me and you.

As time dies away,

incoherence popped up.

Something doesn't seemed right.

Was it something I said?

Was it something I did?

Please forgive me.

You stopped calling.

You stopped messaging.

You stopped everything.

No more hugs.

No more kisses?

What happened?

You looked at me in the eye,

held my hands tight ..

I thought we were back together again.

But then, I was wrong.

You shook your head,

let go of your grasp,

and said goodbye.

The wound that you left in my heart,

the scar that you've left behind.

The tears that are moist in my eyes,

won't stop overflowing.

My heart aches everytime I see you,

stops everytime I think about you.

I just don't know how to move on.

Hugs,

are all I need.

They are fat-free,

cholestrol free.

Not to mention, disease free.

Plus, they are free. :)

Hugs.

Heals everything.

You don't have to say anything.

But your embrace,

means everything.

Hugs.

It's always sincere.

It comes from your heart.

It doesn't matter who it comes from,

but hugs,

they're just wonderful.

Hugs,

everyone loves them.

So when you see your friends are hurt,

don't forget,

to give them a hug :)

by Mallory

This poem is dedicated to my friends :) Recently, there has been a lot of relationship issues going about, so I thought of writing this for them. Remember, God made men and women. Even before they were born, God has already chosen who the " perfect man/ perfect woman " for us. So, it's okay if we were misguided along the way. But remember, you still have friends like us who will help you back on the right path.. :)

Remember. Your "perfect man/perfect woman " is out there, don't make the wrong decision in life. You may never know, that this " person of your dreams " maybe someone who you've known for a long time? or will meet in the future :) It all goes back to God, and how fate will bring us together.. as one :)

LONG week :(

This week has been a pretty long week for me :( it's like.. never ending. I was so hoping and SO looking forward to the weekends :) Plus, there was supposed to be school replacements today, but there isn't.. so there's one good reason to sleep late at night and a very very reasonable reason to wake up late in the morning too :)

I'm totally exhausted. I can't even think. I can't even breathe normally now. It's like this whole " hectic " life of mine has taken over my mind! My brain is always tired. I can't think straight. Whatever I say or do, it's not even processed from my brain. Constantly, I've been going home at 9 pm. Above all these ranting of mine, I pity my mum the most. Had to face the challenges in her works, the mean people she faces, and constantly sending us to and fro from tuition and from home is also something not everyone can do :( Mum is exhausted too. :( Haiz, aren't we all feeling the same?

Semesters are around the corner! I feel like chewing anything I see ( including you ) especially when I suffer from major brain damage. Physics is driving me crazy so is add maths. Modern maths is making me knocking my head on the wall.. It doesn't even make sense! Even add maths has more sense that Modern maths! -.- SJ and Bio.. nothing I can rant about, that is something more like I have to accept more than deny. :(

Piano exams are coming soon. And the thing that is driving me crazy is.. I don't know WHEN it is! Everyone in my family are like so excited during June hols! 3 weeks dude! and I ain't going stay and rot at home, it's time for an adventure. Parent's are still yet indecisive. Can't decided where to go, and what to do. Grr.. Piano exam is the main obstacle above all. Piano exam is set in between the month of June and August.. so it's somewhere in between.. Grr.. I so want to go on a friggin holiday. I'm sick of staying at home all the time.. and I need to breathe some new fresh air instead of the stale ones here which I breathe in everyday. -.- It's time to explore the world ( I hope )

My timetable is seriously in a mess. ( not to mention my room, books all over. ) The stupid sports thing is seriously starting to annoy me. Dimerit? please. I have heard better threats than those. But still, a " goody-two-shoes" like me will sure follow whatsoever the school want me to do. I don't want a friggin dimerit and I don't want to be caned. ( I rather be caned than dimerit xD) Plus, this is so NOT FAIR! They are forcing us into sports! I mean, come on! the generation of Chung Hua into sports are like .. so little? and forcing almost everybody into sports.. that's just terrible. Worst, no one cares. Everyone seemed to be .. playing along? let the puppet master control your every single actions? -.- Oh wth, it's only 1 more practice before the big game.. how bad can it be? -.- ( terribly bad i guess )

I have tonnes of books have yet to be read! PS I Love You is a GOOD book! Recommended by me! It's a lovely romantic story! :) too bad I can't read it yet, still preparing for semesters. :( Lately, seeing some of my friends at boarding somehow made me jealous. -.- They don't get to study the crappy subjects we do, but there's also a bad thing about it :( whatever it is, what we have, we just go on with it :( nothing much we can do until uni. :)

Gosh, I'm gonna look invisible in the night a few weeks from now. Better save my skin while I still can :(

All of a sudden, I felt hyper -.-

PEOPLE I SEE IN SCHOOL ....

Ok, let's be frank shall we? Childish people. Seen one before? I definitely do. Every single day at school -.- I know as Catholics we're not suppose to hold grudges and hatred towards people, but here I'm just going to hear myself out.

Sometimes, I wish I brought along a video camera.. or a video phone to record whatsoever attitudes you have inside of you, seriously, what is your problem? I just don't understand people. Childish? well, who isn't especially during times when you're about to be all GROWN up and going to miss the olden days? well, that's ok. BUT.. this sort of childish, it's a little.. how would I put it.. irritating.

As minor as it can be, it all started with an assignment. BM teacher gave us this assignment and my group has decided to came up with a drama. :) which is going to be TOTALLY awesome :) *can't wait * Then, all we need left is a beautiful ending to the script. We were juicing up our brains with some juicy ideas, but nothing seemed to be coming out. But, he came up with TONNES of IDEA.. but to us it JUST doesn't seem SUITABLE.. and we rejected it. WOW. YOU should have seen the look on his face, his face went all red, and I could feel his skin BURNING from the inside of him.. I so felt like throwing a pail of water at his face and make him wake up. -.-

Then, as usual, I would confront him and resolve this.. * peacemaker face * xD Then, he said some rated stuff.. ( like I never heard of that before ) Then, he went all insane and started complaining stuff like " You guys had NO idea, so I said some to help you out " then I went " your idea wasn't suitable.. so we rejected it " then he went all crazy and started saying some rated stuff ( again ) and rude words.. ( yeah, almost everyday) which I don't know why it actually pisses me off! I mean, what the heck is wrong with him? can't take simple rejection? I'd like to see the next time when his girlfriend rejects him.. It just made the whole group so MAD and PISSED. I have no idea why am I even gambling the fact that somehow I will manage to tell this guy to actually accept it in a positive way? because NORMALLY on others, I succeeded .. but maybe this time round, I didn't. :( The last thing I told him was " SHUT UP! " I just simply don't want to hear another word from his mouth.. then stormed off, went off and cried .. I just can't stand the fact that.. You're 16! for goodness sake! plus this is a GUY we're talking about.. and GUYS shouldn't be acting this way.. uncivilized creature!

I remembered last time, he said stuff like " OH GOSH YOU GUYS ARE SO DAMN CHILDISH! " then I muttered to myself saying " EARTH TO ------------ YOU ARE ONe TOOO! " problem is.. I said that OUT LOUD.. ( oopsy ) so yeah.. then he went DENIAL ( always ) and said " NAH! I'M A MATURE ADULT! " ( yeah right.. i heard you say that for the past 100 years ) GOODNESS SAKE! I just still cannot believe this.. going to be 16 and you still can't take simple rejections? I'd like to see how many jobs you'll lose if you do THAT when you go out to work.

Note to self.. Never ever argue with uncivilized people.. what do you gain actually? beside high blood and increasing of heart rate? you get NOTHING actually.. so yeah.. I forgive you for WHAT YOU SAID! and WHAT YOU SAID!! .. I just hope that somehow God will change you for the better in the future :)

When in Rome

Well, just like the smarties.. they may all come in different colours.. but amongst all.. I know .. which one is you... :)

On saturday, I went out with my buds :) The guys wanted to watch Clash of the Titans.. but then somehow.. majority was girls.. we WON! we watched When In Rome instead :) which was very sweet :) and us girls was like " awwwwww... " throughout the movie :) it's a romantic comedy and dudes out there, if you're bringing your girlfriends on a date.. watch this.. highly recommended :) well dudes, better luck next time.. :) Clash of the Titans.. was.. seriously just too much action for me.. -.- and besides.. it's high time the girls get something they want in return :)

Well this is the movie poster .. isn't she pretty? xD well she IS xD especially that blue eyes and that pure blonde hair of hers.. D: PLUS that guy with her.. is like very very handsome :) plus, he has an Italian Accent .. cool eh? you don't find a lot of dudes like that anymore ;/

I'm not going to spoil the whole show by telling you what's it bout.. wanna know more.. just go watch it.. it's still available in cinemas :)

gah... talking about cinemas.. i SOOO Soo miss GCS in KL... :( the seats there are cushioned! plus .. their security is really really strict! and they won't let you bring any unecessary stuff in it.. trust me.. that cinema is like an entertainment something which you will remember for the rest of your lives :) I wanna watch Toy Story in 3D tho .. :) it's cute and adorable .. after 10 years.. they have finally decided to make a 3rd movie.. how cool is that xD

Oh well.. so far.. monday didn't turn out to be.. Doom day.. well.. that's more probably because I'd be dead in 24 hours due to SJ topical tests.. -.- somehow.. all those confusions I had.. all this while.. were gone :) and it feels good to be ME again .. myself!

MAY 1st.. are you ready? xD I SuRe AM!

Literally, I'm confused :/

I have weird moods lately.. and this has happened to me.. for like.. A LONG TIME -.- for a second, I felt .. jealousy? then anger? then the happy-go-lucky mood? ok, seriously even I don't know what's wrong with me. My mind is buzzing.. full of .. confusion? and I can barely see where this is going. It's like there are SO MANY U turns going about.. and I just feel like screaming.. I don't like this feeling.. this CONFUSED feeling. GOSH MY HEAD HURTS!

Love? Hatred? Jealously? I seriously have no idea what's going on! definitely not Love .. but hatred and jealously? eh... *blank face *

Well, just for you all to know, I have taken up prefectorial board :) well, since cs state is confirmed 200% a no go.. then I'm not going to waste the remains of my life in Chung Hua to EAT. SLEEP. STUDY. HOMEWORK. I mean... the sense of adventure isn't there! Life is a climb.. sometimes you get it.. sometimes you don't .. :) well, to me stress pushes me forward to study and I believe this is a challenge most of us will reconsider twice before applying. Believe me, you don't know how LONG have I reconsidered this.

Sometimes, I do wonder. Is there something wrong with me? What are the odds about me not like anybody else? I know now that I'm the " odd one out" but you can also put it in a positive way the " special one " Have you ever not reconsidered the fact how I managed to get over it? How I spent endless days being miserable the whole time everytime you say that? This is me. If you can't accept it. Get Lost. I felt pretty stupid really, to change myself to be like others. I mean, what was I thinking? peer pressure is something not everyone CAN see with their naked eyes.. but somehow it manages to influence us starting from the roots of our souls. Well, I'm not going to change what's inside of me.. but on the outside.. :) saving it for a special day.. ever since I was a little girl, I have been looking forward to this special day..

Looking in the mirror.. I see someone who is trying to escape from the world.. locking the world behind my mind.. never to even peep at the windows. Burying my face deep in my hands, sitting down in the corner of a room.. yeah.

Well, let's face it. Criticism comes and goes in our lives. But hey? let's just be optimistic here. You are who you are. People love you for who the way you are.. but NOT by who you aren't. Yes, the term inner beauty is the one that counts is true.. but somehow.. when you face situations like this.. it doesn't work ALL the time. God is very fair. He created us in his own image and likeness.. and everyone is imperfect.. EVERYONE has a weakness to bear. EVERYONE learns to overcome their weaknesses and enjoy life the way it is suppose to be. :)

Why is it so hard for me to fathom out? Everytime, I wonder.. who is winning? Pure?? or Temptation in my heart?

When you feel like everything is complete ..

you see the whole world ahead of you..

you see everything that you could achieve in the time to come..

and all that ..

could be ruined..

and crushed..

by saying..

STATE LEVEL IS A NO GO!

yeah yea.. I know.. it happened for almost like a WEEK ago.. -.- but then still.. how can one not be heartbroken when one's script when to interschool level and got best script award and can't even show it off in state? -.-

All of a sudden.. my mind slowly imagines what it will be like if we actually had state.. fun bus rides... bathroom frenzies! shopping spree! that tension feeling.. -.- oh well.. all I can say that it's not going to happen... :( Just like that.. poof..

Tears.

1% water, 99% feelings

Gosh.. I hate to see my cs kids cry like that.. you know how heartbreaking is it? They have done SO SO well this year.. and it all ends .. * poof* just like that -.- how sickening is that? I really hate to see it especially when the new students ( form 1 ) cry like that.. they devoted so much.. so much talent .. so much enthusiasm.. so much of everything! and POOF.. GONE. Plus.. one of them even emailed me saying that he'll miss us form 4's .. and he thanked me through the email.. If you're a human.. you'd cry.. if you're not.. you're an alien.

Well.. it's hard for me to get over this..

Plus.. it's unfair..

yeah.. life IS unfair..

but somehow in the eyes of God..

He knows who is right.. and wrong.

Well then.. that's that then. Nothing else. No more state.. I guess that we just have to wait again next year :)

STAY PURE! STAY STRONG!

blast from the past

Wow.. out of nowhere I got bored then I youtubed SMK Chung Hua, Miri... Directly.. I found THIS ( look at bottom)

Brings back soo much sweet memories!! xDD can anyone find me? xD

HELP

To be? or Not to be?

that's the question that kept on buzzing about in my mind..

well... this is like a LIFE-LONG crisis.. so better think this out THOROUGHLY.... :'(

I'm still reconsidering the fact whether or not to be a prefect.. but somehow my intuition and conscience is telling me that somehow I will be?

Cs state level is confirm a NO go.. its really sad and heartbreaking day for me.. I can't believe my script won't be shown at state level.. GAH! this is so damn sickening ! that's the whole thing why I'm reconsidering prefectorial board ... if Cs has state level.. I automatically put down my responsibility and decision to be prefect.. but since there isn't.. I would want to reconsider.. Hey, form 4 comes once in a life time.. you don't get to live it again.. do you? so yeah.. I don't want the rest of my form 4 life will be like.. STUDY. TUITION.EAT. SLEEP. I mean.. come on! life gotta have some varieties.. plus.. you don't get to be 16 all the time... :(

to all those seniors out there or anyone.. can anyone please explain to me what all the department does? because I'm thinking of applying .... then if all turns out well.. I'm in.. if not.. then forget about it... But NO WAY am I going to apply .. become one and quit..no no no .. I am not a quitter.. xD

but then.. as I reflect back.. stress pushes me forward.. and I'm wondering.. still.. am I cut out for all this ? seriously?

HELP!

You know what's the one thing about sweet memories?

It's that one day when you grow up, you finally had something to strike a conversation with that someone.

You know one thing about intensity?

Well, it varies from different people. Calm people may take it cool and calmly by listening to music, watching a movie etc.. But, whereas those people who are high.. in almost EVERY time.. well, either they end up like that ( picture above ) or they just.. die. But most of the time, they end up like that ( picture above )

You know what else that makes intensity worse?

The beating of your heart. Some people just can't take intensity calmly.. and you can hear a slight explosion rupturing inside of you. Well, if you want me to explain this to you Biologically.. ( I'm not gonna bore you .. too much ) *clear throat* Heart starts to throb and is picking up speed. Heart pumps blood in and out simultaneously causing your breathing rate to increase which resulted in sweat dripping down your cheek. Yeah, its plain fact. LEARN IT xD All I can tell you is, Breath in .. Breath out. Otherwise, just scream your soul out.

You know what's the sweetest thing about success?

Well, success just don't come from trees. Neither do they fall from skies. It's plain hard work and putting all your trust towards God ( quoted from Bieber. .. which is TRUE! ) It's just sweet victory to finally come to realize that after all that hard work.. it just pays off.. we didnt waste a minute practicing :)

Well, CS members. You know what I'm saying here.. ( that is if you're reading it -.- ) My prayers are with you everyday .. and I will never stop losing faith towards you.. No matter we win or lose.. we will leave the hall with our heads held high.. :) well, let's put this in a positive manner.. WE WILL WIN ! xD keep that in mind, and never let that chung hua spirit in you die off :)

You have my 150% dedication.. Forever and Always

Good Friday. Easter Vigil. CS!

This weekend is definitely considered to be a sacred week for us Christians :) Yesterday was Good Friday. After witnessing and standing in front of the giant crucifix of Jesus, my heart just won't stop aching. Of all the people to be murdered and tortured.. why him? His innocence is written all over him, but still, why torment him? but when he God could just torment us instead? God, you love us so much. Even a speck of sin is an eye sore to you, but you still love us, and welcome us always. I remembered last year, when I went for Easter camp, we watched the Passion of Christ. That movie left me in tears, seriously.. nobody can stand seeing someone been bashed up.. after been tormented, he doesn't look anything like a human.. he's been tortured like an animal.. how can people do this to him?

After facing all this, after soo many centuries.. yet, we humans still live our stubborn ways, continue to sin and fall for the devil's temptation.. But yet, God is still there with us, just waiting for us to open the door of our hearts to welcome him in. Unfortunately, most people ignored him.. but yet, God still loved us.. no matter what happens, he will be there and ready to forgive us our sins.. and bring light and life everywhere.

Later, Easter Vigil Mass at 7pm. I still remembered last time someone tagged me at facebook with the movie tittle as " Devil's Plan ".. After having to watch at movies.. I can't believe what the world has done to fool us all. Easter Bunny.. sounds familiar? -.- Well, believe it or not, that's one of Satan's plan. He wants the followers of Christ to believe that there is this bunny, so that you will be distracted away from the fathom of Easter. Well, Ian is going to be baptised tonight!!! xDD I'm so proud and happy for him :))) Finally, after all these years of waiting, it's all going to happen... TONIGHT! XDDDDDDDD By tomorrow, he'll be added into our BIG CATHOLIC family :) Can't wait :)

Competition is like.. a few days away.....

I'm so so damn worried about these people..

I just wished that somehow, I have this magical touch..

That could make this all go away..

I can't predict the future..

Nor can I tell who the true winner will be..

The one who judges all this..

goes back in to the hands of God :)

Believe. Hope. Faith. Confidence. Strength. Wisdom.

Are the only things that I can hold on to,

while I still can